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Every Moment is an
Opportunity to Learn or Teach
Everything in life is about balance, and since life is not a
fixed event, balance is an ever changing place! As a child, I strived for
physical balance as a ballet student, or just trying to fit all of the things I
wanted to do in a limited amount of time; there was no real stress about it.
As a wife and mother, I experience a constant yearning for balance that often
seems to be just a few inches out of my reach. I recently heard a quote
from Drew Barrymore about everything in life being a collaboration; that there
is very little in life, if anything at all, that we do completely by ourselves.
So, as I share my personal experiences and things that have worked well for me,
please know that nothing is solely done by me. Having constant and
consistent love, support and encouragement from my family makes my world go
round.
In my yoga practice, I have found a
way of life that fits my personal belief system. Discipline, willingness
to work hard, appreciation and love for the process of learning, envisioning
improvement through consistency, listening, understanding and respecting how I
feel physically and mentally, growing in flexibility and strength are values
that I live by. As a wife, mother and yoga teacher all of these qualities
are a common thread throughout all the aspects of my life. I find this
website to be an exciting opportunity to connect with others and share my
experiences in the areas of my life off of the yoga mat. The goal of
this page is to share the successes and challenges of family life from my lens,
as with everything else it is a work in progress.
Character Development
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Organizing |
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Couple's Time
Character Development
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My father having fun with the kids! :)
Whenever I think of character I think of my Dad.
Throughout my life, he would say "All I want is for you and your sister to be
good human beings...good citizens...with good character." He felt he would
be successful as a father if he accomplished just that. I can't even begin
to describe the intensity of his belief, it seemed to be a part of his blood and
it drove his every action. Sometimes, my sister and I misunderstood his
sharpness or criticism as being overly critical. She and I would feel
frustrated to say the least. As we grew older we understood that his
response was one of fear that we were making choices that could be detrimental
to our character...to our life. On the surface it could look like the most
innocuous situation but he always understood the essence of our behavior in the
bigger picture. He was very consistent, we knew what was expected
of us and we RARELY tested him! :)
Just a few examples:
Discipline - No sassing back, no rolling of the eyes,
always a respectful tone of voice... no... matter... what.
Translation - Be respectful of ourselves and others.
Discipline - Work hard...no complaint about ANY job,
whether it was cleaning the toilet or raking the leaves.
Translation - There was no shame in hard work. As a family, we were
expected to work as a
team, to help one another and have a good life.
Discipline - No putting them on the spot to buy us
something we wanted especially in front of others.
Translation - Never shame or embarrass others.
Dad described his parenting methods as coming from a
gut feeling (and would tease me for reading parenting books). He parented
by an instinct of what was right or wrong and he responded
accordingly. As Dad watched me parent my own kids, he would laugh saying
in a sing-songy voice..."You sound just like me!" communicating that
all those
years that I thought he was too hard on me and here I was having those exact same
reactions. Ugh! It did come full circle because I also just want my kids to be good
human beings and I'll fight for that if necessary just like he did. :)
In this year of firsts without my Dad, one of the most
challenging aspects of my life is wondering, "Am I doing the right thing? Would he
approve of this choice?" One thing I could always count on from Dad was
feedback! Now, I just return to his teachings in my mind and heart and
still feel his guidance. It doesn't make life any easier but I am
extremely grateful that I have a plethora of incredible memories and wisdom to
draw from. I know I am very, very lucky.
Early on in motherhood, I put my own spin on Dad's
philosophy as "every moment is an opportunity to learn or to teach". My
tone of voice, words, the look in my eyes teaches the kids self-respect &
responsibility or it teaches them shame. Watching & understanding their behavior
and trusting my intuition is a journey of learning. There is so very much
to character development and more than I can think of in this moment. I'm
still in the middle of it all with my own kids! I just wanted to share a
few memories of my Dad and to give a context for the books below. They
were very helpful in each stage of parenting in conjunction with hours and hours
of conversations with my father... and being raised by a man who believed his main
purpose in life was being a father.
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Organizing the Home as a
Family
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I often joke in my classes that I am the most anal yoga teacher I know!
I thrive, require, insist on being organized and creating an organized
environment at home. One of my favorite things to do as a kid was
reorganize my room! My younger sister used to thoroughly enjoy moving one
object in my room just to see if I would notice and I would always
notice! How this was fun to her, I have no idea! Having kids seemed
to really test this desire to be organized, so needless to say, I have had to
relax just a bit! I now understand that being organized is a process,
changing
with the needs and abilities of the family. It is not done by me alone, nor should it be.
Growing up, I had two working parents and as
the oldest child, I was responsible for a lot of the housework. I didn't
love it as a kid but as an adult I really appreciate how it helped me learn
responsibility. At a very early age, I understood that I was capable of
taking care of things and contributing to the well-being of my family.
It made me feel that my role in the family was important, that I mattered. When my own kids were younger, I did all the
housework. However, since I want to continue the legacy of my parents and
have my own children grow up to be responsible, self-sufficient, contributing
members of society (as well as the fact that I am not about to do all of the
housework all of the time!) I set up some ground rules that have worked really
well for all of us and today are paying dividends as a family.
None of the rules were easily established. They required a lot
of patience and consistency. Some days went beautifully and felt amazing.
Some days I felt desperate for strength and patience; that I would go absolutely
mad from saying things over and over and over again. At times, I
just wanted to stare at the kids. In my head I wondered "how can you
not know this already?!!!!!". I asked myself how long and in how many
ways did I need to say or do something in order to create any sort of lasting
change?
In every stage of change, I would go through waves of confidence and
self-doubt. Sometimes, I wondered were my expectations too high?
It seemed so many of my peers were not concerned with the same things or in the
same ways. There were times, I felt so alone and had to call upon my husband, dad, mom,
and sister for support. Their encouragement and unwavering support would
give me a boost and I would have a surge of energy and hope. No matter
what though, I had to get through the day-to-day grind of consistency by myself.
I kept repeating my primary goal; to help the kids establish life long habits
of unquestioning responsibility.
I felt totally driven by the belief that if we are responsible for our life
(without resentment) then we will feel empowered and purposeful. I deeply wanted
this core value
for my kids. While this was my ultimate goal, I also wanted to teach it in
such a way that there was as little confrontation as possible. I
wanted no arguing, negotiating, or bribing and I didn't want to feel like a
drill sergeant (sometimes this seemed totally impossible). The only way
for me to accomplish this was for them to see me as the one in charge. I
had to have the attitude, presence and belief within myself that I was "the
director". My tone of voice, the look on my face, the way I stood, the
words I chose all had to communicate that to the kids. If I had self-doubt, they could sense it
and problems would escalate.
One method of communicating with the kids that really helped keep the peace
was stating things simply, directly and that answered the question of "why"
before they could ask. I would cringe when the kids asked "why?" after I
asked them to do something. I would feel frustrated and upset. So, I decided
the only way to change their behavior was to change the way I communicated.
I still remember clearly, as though I am watching a movie, the first time I used
this method on my oldest child. I was chopping vegetables in the kitchen
and my hands were messy. So, I asked her to get me something from another
room. Instead of assuming that she could see that my hands were messy, I
explained it was because my hands were messy that I was asking her to do
this. I watched my daughter's face as she paused ready to form the "wh"
sound with her mouth. As though in slow motion, her facial expression
changed to realization and understanding and she went off to do what I had
asked. I was completely amazed! Needless to say, that is the main
way I continue to communicate with the kids when I want my way. Of course,
each child has different questions behind their "why" that are independent to
their personality so I always have to remember that and communicate accordingly.
It is amazing how creative we have to be as parents. I liken it to the
game of chess and try to constantly think at least three steps ahead!
The children's willingness and cooperation were wonderful; however, I
quickly realized that tasks would not be done the way I would do them myself!
I would watch their version of
folding the laundry or spilling the silverware all over the floor on the way to
putting it away and would have to take a deep breath. Every task was done
within their ability. I had to keep reminding myself of the long
term goal.
Establishing the pattern, creating the habits that would eventually lead to the
results I wanted... at least I hoped! Whenever my patience was tested I
would ask myself, am I doing what I need to do to best prepare my kids
for the world outside of this house? Each time we got over a hurdle, it
would give me confidence that the method was right and with time and patience, we
would all get there.
Parts of parenting were and are so exhausting and even though in the moment it
would have been easier to do the tasks myself, I knew I did not want to do them
forever. So, this was a very big motivating factor! This
process also gave purpose to my days at home with the kids.
Playing is not something that has ever come easily for me. Teaching in a
fun and supportive way gave me an opportunity to spend time with and build a
strong connection to the kids without having to play all of the time (and this
was very helpful to my sanity!).
Today, I am eleven years into the experience of
parenting. There is still plenty coming my way but I also have much more
confidence than I did at the beginning! We now have an established
routine. There is a feeling of respect and pleasure in each others
company. The children seem to carry themselves with a sense of purpose and
knowledge that what they do contributes to the well-being of the family.
Looking back on the process of how we got here is very rewarding and in it's own quiet
way, very exciting! It is also a big contributing factor in allowing me
the ability to teach yoga or Passion Parties and do things outside of the house feeling confident
that everything will not fall apart when I leave!
The following are stages of what/when I taught the kids responsibility
regarding our home.
As soon as they could walk
(around 12-15 months old) they:
*put their dirty laundry in the hamper
*took their dirty dishes to the counter
*took from my hand laundry from the washing machine and
placed it in the dryer
*helped clean up their room and toys all around the house
*anything else I could think of that seemed appropriate to
their ability!
As a preschooler, they did all of the above plus:
*I placed a simple list by their bedroom door with
pictures or words that depicted things they needed to do upon waking up and
before going to sleep
*put away their already folded laundry
*helped put away non-breakable things from the dishwasher to
spaces that were within their reach
*helped water the plants
*held the grocery list
*helped collect the trash around the house
*helped dust
*anything else I could think of that seemed appropriate to
their ability!
Ages 5-7:
*I updated the written list of things needed to do upon
waking and before going to bed (of course it got longer!)
*total responsibility for keeping their own room clean
*participated more in the laundry process as well as folded
and put away their own laundry
*rinsed and placed their own dirty dishes in the dishwasher
*cleaned the counters and other surfaces
*helped clean the bathrooms (using kid-safe products)
*assisted in general pick-up around the house
*participated in meal preparation
*anything else I could think of that seemed appropriate to
their ability! ;)
Ages 8-10:
*their own laundry from start to finish (I gave written
instruction cards to help with this at the beginning)
*independently cleaned their own bathroom
*emptied the dishwasher independently when asked
*helped with vacuuming
*showed ability to prepare some of their own meals using the
microwave and with supervision, the stove
*anything else I could think of that seemed appropriate to
their ability! ;)
Ages 10+:
*the skies the limit! At this point, you might even
wonder what is there left to do, she makes them do everything already! I
really feel that we work as a team. I don't carry the burden of
maintaining the house all by myself. The house can get messy quickly but
it also gets picked up very quickly and I don't have to explain how to get it
all done. Life for the most part is peaceful and we have more time to
enjoy each other's company and do enjoyable things outside of the house;
which seems the ultimate goal for being organized! Here are some books
that helped me along the way!
Activities
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I really treated being a stay-at-home mom as a teacher
and would research, plan, map out all of the different things I wanted to do
with the kids. The house really looked like a mini-school! As I
mentioned above, playing is not my forte but teaching is my passion. It is
incredibly rewarding to watch the kids enjoy learning - probably because this is
one thing I feel I was able to give them. It is very easy for me to focus
on the things that I completely lack. I don't enjoy cooking, it takes a
lot of discipline within me to sit and play or even go outside and play.
But, I can teach for hours and hours and make just about any activity a fun
learning experience. I taught both kids how to read prior to them entering
kindergarten. We worked on math, science experiments, studied any topic
that they asked about with enthusiasm. I loved the books below for ideas
and research!
Local Periodicals
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In addition to teaching the kids, I love "field trips"!
We knew every puppet & children's theatre production around the city! These are
two wonderful resources for activities in the metro area.
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Free periodicals found around town! |
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Field Trips
& Travel
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Meal
Planning & Nutrition
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When I bake, I visit the "Brown Bag
Success" book! It has great muffin recipes and fun/easy ideas for
kid-friendly food. The kids really enjoyed the recipes and they were
pretty healthy. Whenever I do bake or cook I modify every recipe to be
healthier! I replace white flour with whole wheat pastry flour, sugar with
apples or apple sauce, totally cut down the quantity of oil, etc.
Party
Planning & Holidays
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If you enjoy volunteering at the school (or can't seem
to say no!) and don't think of yourself as creative then these are some
fantastic resources! They also make party planning much easier if you have
home parties - and remember to plan it all ahead of time! This does not always
happen for me!.
Couple's Time - Passion
Parties by Shanna!
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A happy marriage is the foundation of a happy family.
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:)
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