From the time I was a child, I’ve been studying people.  I’ve been searching for the answers of how to be a good person.  My type-A, first-born personality would agonize over, “what am I supposed to do, how can I make the best choices, how do I live my life so that I don’t harm the feelings of those around me and still be happy?”  Not that I ever felt a yen to cause trouble, but I never liked feeling the remorse that came with messing up.  To put it succinctly, I didn’t get “it” and I kept searching for answers.

            From my very first practice, yoga fit me like nothing I had ever experienced before.  I fell in love with the experience…with the practice.  Sensations would move through my being.  I could not define nor describe the experience, but I felt something intangibly amazing in the practice.  The effects would carry me through my day and I felt kinder, more thoughtful and more at peace toward those around me.  I had a presence, a mindfulness that felt slightly foreign yet deeply familiar and I kept practicing day after day.  

            In the beginning, I was in awe of the experience.  I explored my emotional, mental and physical responses to each asana.  As time passed though, I began to create “goals” of postures that I wanted to achieve.  I worked hard and was very driven.  Little by little, I had a little less awe; my personality had taken over the practice.  I found a great deal of flexibility in my body, glamour in the poses but the practice was not as fascinating to me.

            In the past year or so I began an intense study program and I’ve felt an internal shift.  I like to think of it as maturity!  Tadasana, Mountain pose, fascinates me… the path of my breath fascinates me.  Each movement, the unfolding and awakening, the process of the practice is utterly mind-blowing.  This attitude has carried over into my life off of the mat.  I am more aware of my habits, my patterns.  I practice being more aware.  After almost nine years of practicing yoga, it feels obtuse to say this as though it is some epiphany.  However, I feel as though I am hearing it deep within me for the first time.

            I feel everything with more awareness.  When I hurt someone else’s feelings, I feel it with more clarity and depth.  I don’t hide from the pain.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve believed in reincarnation and for almost as long, I have prayed not to return!  It is only recently that I am not afraid of the return trip.  It is a process, it is a practice.  There are no absolute answers.  We take a deep breath, mindfully respond to life and keep moving forward.  We practice, not for a result, not for an answer, but for awareness.  We become aware of our habits, our patterns and we work toward stopping/changing the cycle. When do I mess up?  When I get caught up in the busyness, when I allow stress to overwhelm me…then I hurt or dismiss or don’t even have awareness of those around me.  Those situations arise and I try to learn and relearn and relearn. 

            The habits that we have, anything that we repeatedly do without awareness, are our teachers.  Those with whom we come into contact bring our habits to the forefront for us to see.  We are all teachers for one another.  We give each other the opportunities to learn, each moment of every day.  It is by being a part of life that we have the real opportunities to grow.  By our day-to-day interactions with others, we recognize the qualities we wish to incorporate into our life and those that we wish to eradicate!  Some people we come across bring out “our ugly side” and we have to decide, “Can we overcome this within ourselves with this specific person?” or “Do we recognize this quality in ourselves, work on it and let go of the relationship with this person?”  There are no easy answers, there is much to consider and we have to work through it, feel it and move forward.

            There is no utopia; nothing is fixed.  Peace is not perfect.  Peace is a process within ourselves; an on-going balance…an on-going awareness.  It is not something that we can learn from one individual.  No teacher has all of the answers for all students.  We are all teachers …we are all students.  I cannot emulate any one person; single out any one teacher.  I can honor the teachings, the lessons gained in the eons of experience that have been passed on and shared through time.  I can try to honor each person I meet.  I can look at someone and try to see the heart of who they are.  Sometimes, it is those who we see every day that are the hardest to really see…I just keep practicing.

            The teachings of Yoga… of Life are wondrous, the application of the teachings are endless.  Practice is our purpose …practice is the answer.